What the person initiating the breakup is really thinking

What the person initiating the breakup is really thinking
By Fred Talisman, License Marriage Counselor

For over 20 years I‘ve specialized in saving relationships that were on the verge of ending even when only one person still wanted the relationship to work and even when they had no hope that it could be saved.
Do you want to know a true “insider secret”? Then read on to discover what the person initiating the breakup tells a trusted friend or therapist (and what they may not be telling you)!

To create a turning point or a last chance with your partner, it will first help you to understand the relationship from their perspective.

Here are some of the things I’ve been told by those who are on the verge of ending their relationship:

    “I told my partner that I want to end the relationship, but I really want to stay together. It’s just that, we fight and argue all the time, and I don’t want to keep doing that for the rest of my life. If we could just stop arguing, then I think we could work it out.”

    “My partner has a bad temper. When we argue, they say really mean and hurtful things to me. I deserve to be treated better; and if they can’t do that, I’ll have to leave.”

    “My partner cheated on me. I really love them and I want to stay together, but I just don’t know how I can ever trust them again! I need your help to show me how to get past that.”

    “If we can’t work it out this time, I’m leaving for good! I’ve broken up with them before. My partner begged me for another chance, swearing they’d change! I reluctantly gave them another chance and they wound up doing the same things that caused me to leave in the first place! This just keeps happening! How can I trust that things will truly be different this time and that they’ll stay changed?”

A person who’s on the verge of leaving a relationship for good is in a highly self-protective place.
Whether it’s objectively true or not, they feel that their partner has emotionally injured them and has deeply hurt them. They feel they need to protect themselves from further hurt and emotional pain.

What are some of the signs that your partner is feeling self-protective?

There are many ways people attempt to protect themselves:

  • They’ll say “It’s over!”
  • They’ll test you by setting you up to once again say or do the things that have caused them to feel they need to leave you.
  • They’ll keep themselves “distant” from you.
  • They’ll keep changing their mind about staying with you or leaving you.
  • They won’t express their appreciation for the positive efforts you’re making, because although they secretly like those changes, they’re afraid to get their hopes up, for fear that you’ll go back to your old ways.

As a relationship saving marriage counselor it’s much easier for me to coach someone how to save their relationship if their partner is self protective because I know from experience that if that self protective partner not only sees changes but is convinced, across time that those changes are sustainable, then they are likely to genuinely give their partner a second or last chance.

You now have some of my marriage counselor insider secrets of understanding the mindset of the partner that’s initiated the separation or breakup. Now you’re ready to learn the next steps to save your marriage and keep your family together.

In future blog posts I’ll start teaching you the skills of what it takes to save your relationship.