Marriage Counseling Insider secret for Saving Your Marriage: What To Do When Your Partner Wants to Leave Because of All The Fighting and Yelling
By Fred R. Talisman Licensed Marriage Counselor
I’ve been doing couples counseling for over 20 years. During that time, I‘ve specialized in saving relationships that were on the verge of ending even when only one person still wanted the relationship to work and even when they had no hope that it could be saved.
Recent question from a reader:
Hi Fred,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We have a baby together. We recently had a big fight and I yelled and screamed at him like I often do.
He’s a pretty quiet guy. He usually doesn’t tell me what’s bothering him.
After I calmed down, he opened up more with me. He said he hates my yelling and screaming. He also said he’s felt that since we had the baby that he feels that I’ve abandoned him. I have to admit that since the baby was born, she’s been my whole focus. He says that I don’t pay attention to him or listen to him. He said he doesn’t think I’ll change and if I don’t he’s going to break up with me.
I love him. He’s a great dad to our baby and a loving partner. I don’t want to lose him.
What I most want is to save my relationship. What steps can I take to do that?
– Worried and confused.
—
Hi worried and confused.
You are not alone. This is a common marriage problem that I’ve run across over the years I’ve been doing relationship counseling.
Since your top priority is to save your relationship, I’m going to share with you some of the advice I give to my marriage therapy clients that have a similar set of problems.
As a couples therapist I teach people to only communicate when you’re calm. Your relationship is in a fragile state. It’s too risking to communicate when you’re upset and hurt. Once you yell and scream at him, you can’t take it back.
As a marital counselor, I also tell my clients that you can’t address what you don’t know about. Your partner is much more likely to open up to you about what’s bothering him if he thinks that you’ll react in a calm way.
Obviously, since his concern is that you don’t pay attention to him or listen to him you want to rectify that as part of your efforts to save your relationship. If you’re busy taking care of the baby, don’t try to divide your attention. As a relationship therapist what I’ve taught clients to say in similar situations is: “I’m happy to talk to you and to give you my full attention as soon as the baby has settled down.”
When the baby has settled down sit down with your boyfriend. Hold his hand. Look him in the eye and give him your full attention. Be the loving, supportive, positive partner that you want to be.
You can’t convince him in a single conversation that you’ll change. But you can convince him across time that you have changed by making the changes you want to make and staying consistent in doing them.
Best wishes.
Fred
Free Initial Save Your Relationship Consultation With Fred Talisman MFT
The best way to know if I can help you to save your relationship is to give me a call right now at 310 321-4658 or to email me at [email protected]. Once I briefly hear from you more specifically about your situation, I can be more accurate in answering the question weather or not I think I can help you to save your relationship. This consultation, by phone, will take about 10-15 minutes. There is no charge for that initial feedback from me. If you are more comfortable, you can email me your questions at [email protected]
P.S. As part of the couples therapy I do, I sometimes recommend inspiring dvds for couples to watch together. I just watched a sweet and inspiriting dvd, “Mitch Albom’s Have a Little Faith.” It’s based on a true story.