Marriage Counseling Insider secret for Saving Your Marriage: What To Do When Your Partner Wants to Leave Because of All The Fighting and Yelling
By Fred R. Talisman Licensed Marriage Counselor
I’ve been doing couples counseling for over 20 years. During that time, I‘ve specialized in saving relationships that were on the verge of ending even when only one person still wanted the relationship to work and even when they had no hope that it could be saved.
Recent question from a reader:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We have a baby together. We recently had a big fight and I yelled and screamed at him like I often do.
He’s a pretty quiet guy. He usually doesn’t tell me what’s bothering him.
After I calmed down, he opened up more with me. He said he hates my yelling and screaming. He also said he’s felt that since we had the baby that he feels that I’ve abandoned him. I have to admit that since the baby was born, she’s been my whole focus. He says that I don’t pay attention to him or listen to him. He said he doesn’t think I’ll change and if I don’t he’s going to break up with me.
I love him. He’s a great dad to our baby and a loving partner. I don’t want to lose him.
What I most want is to save my relationship. What steps can I take to do that?
– Worried and confused.
Hi worried and confused.
You are not alone. This is a common marriage problem that I’ve run across over the years I’ve been doing relationship counseling.
Since your top priority is to save your relationship, I’m going to share with you some of the advice I give to my marriage therapy clients that have a similar set of problems.
As a couples therapist I teach people to only communicate when you’re calm. Your relationship is in a fragile state. It’s too risking to communicate when you’re upset and hurt. Once you yell and scream at him, you can’t take it back.
As a marital counselor, I also tell my clients that you can’t address what you don’t know about. Your partner is much more likely to open up to you about what’s bothering him if he thinks that you’ll react in a calm way.
Obviously, since his concern is that you don’t pay attention to him or listen to him you want to rectify that as part of your efforts to save your relationship. If you’re busy taking care of the baby, don’t try to divide your attention. As a relationship therapist what I’ve taught clients to say in similar situations is: “I’m happy to talk to you and to give you my full attention as soon as the baby has settled down.”
When the baby has settled down sit down with your boyfriend. Hold his hand. Look him in the eye and give him your full attention. Be the loving, supportive, positive partner that you want to be.
You can’t convince him in a single conversation that you’ll change. But you can convince him across time that you have changed by making the changes you want to make and staying consistent in doing them.
Free Initial Save Your Relationship Consultation With Fred Talisman MFT
The best way to know if I can help you to save your relationship is to give me a call right now at 310 429-3658 or to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Once I briefly hear from you more specifically about your situation, I can be more accurate in answering the question weather or not I think I can help you to save your relationship. This consultation, by phone, will take about 10-15 minutes. There is no charge for that initial feedback from me. If you are more comfortable, you can email me your questions at email@example.com
P.S. As part of the couples therapy I do, I sometimes recommend inspiring dvds for couples to watch together. I just watched a sweet and inspiriting dvd, “Mitch Albom’s Have a Little Faith.” It’s based on a true story.
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My husband and I personify the saying, “Opposites attract,” and one Saturday three months ago we’d finally hit the wall; We were in that make it or break it moment. This was especially frustrating because for the ten months prior we’d been seeing a highly recommended psychologist who seemed to make our emotional situation worse. Every session went about the same: we’d air our discontents, yelling would commence, tears would fall, and the psychologist would “arbitrate”, but offer no tangible alternative ways of dealing with our conflict and emotions when he wasn’t there with us. Then he’d conclude that while we were both, “intelligent, kind, loving people, maybe you’re just not cut out to be together.” Nothing felt more awful than being told by a professional that our relationship was probably doomed. We knew we loved each other – and I knew there had to be some better way. In desperation on that particular Saturday I googled “how to save my marriage” and that took me to Fred’s website. Half an hour later we had him on the phone (on a Saturday, no less!). He asked us both one simple question, “Are you committed to saving your marriage?” Even though we were raw with anger, resentment, and hurt, we each said yes. And then he scheduled us a session for later that day. Ever since that first session Fred has been gently providing us with relationship skills we hadn’t been taught before. His approach is non-judgmental, and deliberately – remarkably – simple, and his techniques do work quickly if you are dedicated to following the steps he’s laid out for you. He provided us with time-tested ways to stop our fights before they start, and the techniques one needs to function more healthily in their relationship. Best of all he’s started to give us a way to better accept each other the way we are – rather than try to change one another. And he does this without psychoanalysis or psychobabble. It is a very refreshing approach to couples counseling; He’s not just a relationship saver, he’s a relationship builder. Thanks Fred!”
-Nichole and Jake Chambers
“By the time I found Fred Talisman, Cindy was ready to break up with me. I was devastated. She is the person I love more than anyone. She is my soul mate. She felt that she could never trust me again and that she could never forgive me. Before I found Fred, I had tried other things and spoke to other people, but not only were their methods ineffective, some actually made things worse with her! I saw couples counseling with Fred as my last resort but she wouldn’t do it with me. I worked with Fred on my own while working with his home study course, ‘Save Your Relationship.’ I’m not geographically close to Fred’s office, so I worked with him by phone. To my amazement, working with Fred by phone was more valuable than any help I’ve gotten in person.
Thanks to Fred, she gave me a last chance. Fred gave me hope beyond hope. I was impressed with his depth of understanding and compassion. I saw the first improvements with her almost immediately after the first session I did with Fred. Cindy and I got married almost a year after the crisis that Fred got us through. Using the things that Fred taught me, my wife and I are now stronger than ever as a couple. Our relationship gets better everyday."
And that’s not all! She is now pregnant going on 20 weeks! I am so incredibly excited about what this little life will become. We are ecstatic. Everything is working really well. It’s amazing. I’m very grateful and thankful for all of Fred’s incredible help. The skills he taught me have also improved every other relationship in my life, including my friends, relatives, work mates and casual acquaintances. If everyone learned Fred’s skills and put them into practice, the world would be a much better place. I really can’t thank Fred enough and by the grace of God, I am on a much better track now with my wife. Fred not only showed me how to save my relationship. He also forever changed my life for the better. What I got from Fred is the most valuable help I have ever received.” What a difference he has made to our lives. Words do not say enough about how grateful I am. Thank you again Fred. I can’t thank Fred enough for all that he has done for us.”
“I called you because I really wanted to save my relationship. I feared that it was a lost cause and that we couldn’t get past the infidelity, the lack of trust and his fear of commitment. I want to thank you for the guidance, support, and help you have provided. I have learned so much about myself, relationships, and how to communicate to others from you. Everything you said makes sense and everything you taught me to do worked and continues to work. I realize I can use your skills not just to keep my relationship strong but for the rest of my life. You’ve given me invaluable life skills. I teach all my friends what I learned from you so they’re all getting the benefit of your help too. Thank you for showing me how to save my relationship. It’s in a really strong place and keeps getting better.”
Can I help you save your relationship and help you to keep your family together? Probably. The best way to know if I can help you is for us to have a conversation. Call me now. I’m glad to spend some time talking to you. Once I hear about your situation I can tell you how I can help you. You can call or text me now at 310-429-3658, Or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I serve the South Bay, Westside and San Fernando Valley communities. I do sessions in person, by FaceTime, by Skype video and by phone.
I'm really good at saving relationships. To get an idea if I can help you here’s some of the relationships I’ve saved in the words of my clients and what others have said about me as a relationship saving marriage counselor:
“Before we came to Fred Talisman, my wife and I were on the verge of divorce. Issues had become so complex and intertwined that we couldn’t begin to sort through them. Also, the emotions associated with the issues were preventing us from being able to work them effectively. Trust had been breached as we “acted out” in various ways to relieve the stress. Fred provided both a supportive, safe container as well as the feedback necessary for us to separate the issues from our emotions and the issues from each other. He also taught us how to compartmentalize issues, breaking them down into simple negotiations. With his help, our marriage has transformed into a place where we can manage our relational and situational challenges in a way that brings us closer together, rather than pushing us apart. Thank you, Fred, for helping us save and positively transform our marriage!”
-David and Christina Litman
“When he and I were in crisis last February, and looking like we were about to end our relationship, we agreed to get help as a last gasp attempt to possibly save “us.” I began the search for someone local, knowing that anyone we chose was a crap shoot at best. And I was feeling like if we are going to do this, I wanted to give us the best possible shot at a positive outcome. I found your info online, and I wish I could tell what it was that resonated with me, but something did and I convinced him to participate, at least to give it a try. Fred, it is hard to express in words the process, or how it worked (not trying to make it sound mystical here) but there is no doubt that it did. You brought clarity to so many issues and enabled us to rediscover the joy we had shared in each other in the past. We learned to laugh with each other again, and we have tools to keep any conflict from developing into something unnecessarily weighty. I believe we both feel that our communication skills and our depth of feelings for each other have been enhanced by the time spent with you. I wouldn’t hesitate to share your contact with anyone who confided in me that they were concerned about the future of their relationship–thanks to you, ours has a future and it is bright! Thanks for being the catalyst for this rebirth–YOU ROCK!”
Fred was instrumental in helping my wife and I work through a very difficult chapter in our life. After helping us work through the immediate ‘crisis’, he went further and gave us the communication skills necessary to having a healthy relationship. These tools have transformed the way we interact and have allowed us to reach mutually beneficial agreements on items that had long been a source of conflict.”